Erin’s story

It's funny to be a mom and then start working in maternal health. You start to think about your experiences in a lot more detail. You learn too much and then realize just how fortunate you truly are. 

I have two little girls who are now 3 and 5 and seemingly growing inches every second. I had my first when I was 32 and a total workaholic. Maybe because I was more focused on the "How am I going to balance work and motherhood" question than on the pregnancy, I didn’t give a lot of thought to what my ideal pregnancy would be. I didn't quite get the idea of a "birth plan". To me, the plan was to have a baby. End of story. So long as we were both OK, I was happy.

Everything progressed perfectly until about three weeks before my due date. My baby decided at the last minute that she didn’t want to be head down after all and flipped over to breech position. All of a sudden, it became really important to me that I deliver "normally". A C-section suddenly felt like I was cheating myself of the experience. I tried all the old wives tales--swimming, crawling on all fours (thank God there are no pictures) and even the manual turn - to no avail. Fortunately, all's well that ends well. We delivered by C-section and had a beautiful little girl at the end.

In a way at the time I even came around on C-sections. I remember feeling like I was checking in for a haircut that day at the hospital ("Hi- I have a 2pm appt for a baby today?") and that it was strange to have that control. My recovery was relatively easy so I really didn’t dwell on the means too much.

Erin and Lucy

My second child came along 2 years later. I had come around on C-sections, but still wanted that experience of labor (I know that sounds sick to those of you who have had difficult labors).  It turns out one of the physicians in the practice had had a bad experience with a VBAC and strongly advised me against it. I admit I hadn’t done enough research at the time so wasn’t equipped to push back and now wish I had. But again, I ended up with an amazing little girl so who am I to complain?

I'm one of those "not sure if I was a near miss or not" examples. I didn’t have a life-threatening emergency but ultimately surgery was deemed the best option for delivery. What if I hadn't had that option? What if I tried to deliver Lucy vaginally not even knowing she was breech and had an obstructed labor? Or what if I'd been lucky enough to get that first C-section, but didn’t even know the risks of VBAC and tried on my own without a skilled attendant for my second? Thankfully I'll never know. It does make me appreciate the care I've received. The fact that I never really had to even worry about it - the fact that in that moment of fear I felt upon delivery, I could look around and know I had people on my side, who were well trained and well equipped to do their jobs.

I'm not sure if that's the end of my story or not. To have #3 or not seems to be our favorite topic of conversation and yet without divulging too many details, it’s been a bit tougher in my “old age”. It's funny that culturally we make that such a private thing. The time in my own pregnancy/childbirth story that I need support the most, and need to hear how common these challenges are - that was the time it felt taboo to talk about. After two perfect pregnancies, my body finally reminded me that truly, birth is a miracle and you don't get the miracle every time.

Whatever happens, I'm reminded I'm lucky. I have two healthy kids, I've had access to care so that my stories had the luxury of being somewhat routine and now I have the ability to decide what comes next and if we want to try for another or not. These are gifts unimaginable to so many of the women I've met along the way. They too deserve these things. I'm also fortunate to get to do the work I do and happy to pause and remember my own link to it.